Obama's new speech on Iraq, as written by me. My future as a speechwriter starts here. I like to capture the true essence of the one's positions and personal beliefs in writing for others.
My Dear Americans, I have chosen this moment to declare the "combat mission" in Iraq is over. Our Troops will still be in harm's way and there will still be shots fired by and at them, but I made a campaign promise to "end the war" and have ALL Troops out within 16 months, without precondition. This speech is designed to claim my promise fulfilled, though I did nothing to achieve the current successes in Iraq, nor to overcome the challenges that persist there. In fact, the current Troop levels were not my doing either. I inherited that from President Bush, just as I did the decreased violence there.
As such, I will stick with my strong suit. I would like to apologize on behalf of myself, my party, and the partisan divide which opposed the Strategy that brought us the Sustained Success and allows us to reduce the number of sacrifices of Our Troops in Iraq. I would like to apologize for stirring up anti-Iraq and anti-Victory partisanship that divided Our Nation and nearly caused a defeat despite those sacrifices and Victories.
I would like to extend a special apology to General David Petraeus, who, despite my insolence, my resistance, and my profiting from personal attacks on him, refused to give up. I owe the General great respect, gratitude, and apology because despite my partisan inspired attacks, he maintains integrity to this Nation and a commitment to Victory. Bottom line is that he believes in these values sufficiently to take a demotion to achieve them when my butt was in a sling.
I feel a special need to apologize to the Iraqi people, because Saddam was truly a sadistic tyrant and I know for a fact he had WMD, because I've suppressed reports that we're still finding them. We're leaving the destruction of those munitions to the Iraqis now. And the fact that all crime and terrorism in Iraq kills half of what Saddam averaged in every month, in Iraqi Civilians alone, of his reign is not my fault. I inherited that from Bush.
And I apologize to the Iraqi people because I opposed efforts to afford them the ability to change their government peacefully. I apologize to them because I thought they were too barbaric to consider a vote more effective than a bullet. I apologize because I refused to admit that Al-Qaeda and Iran were the ones killing unarmed civilians and will leave it up to the Iraqis to finish the job of rooting them out. I have ordered Our Military to label those blowing up unarmed civilians "criminal associates" so as to not implicate Iran and to require Our Troops to get a warrant from an Iraqi Judge before capturing Al-Qaeda operatives.
I apologize to the victims of "manmade disasters" here in the states, but I still refuse to label those that do it "terrorists" or recognize they are motivated by "islamism," even when they print business cards claiming it. On the other hand, I've charged Janet Napolitano with finding us some real terrorists and she is looking through every VFW for some far right wing loons sporting "Don't Tread on Me" flags, like those the Colonial Navy flew over the ships that won Our Independence. In the absence of such, one pro-Ground Zero Mosque group martyred one of their own in a cabbie attack gone bad. He was a "Veteran Journalist" of Afghanistan, and almost got away with the incitement.
Did I apologize to General Petraeus? Let me apologize again, because I will continue to encourage the enemy in Afghanistan by stubbornly insisting on a timeline for withdrawal, no matter how bad that will hurt his efforts to do what I've sent him to do. In fact, I have no plans to listen to him any more than I listened to the last two I fired. And I apologize to my party because I can't afford to fire him too, even though we all opposed him when he was winning in Iraq. I apologize to him because I expect him to do the same in Afghanistan, even though I said it wouldn't work when it was Iraq and will insist on him doing it with less than he needs to do so, even though I claimed on the campaign trail it would be my top priority.
But I would like to thank Our Troops, because while I will continue to make life hard for them, they continue to serve with Honor and Integrity. And because they have Honor and must obey orders, I will continue to use them as a backdrop when I can find an excuse, even if I have to say a speech is about something other than what I plan to emphasize. I do plan to order them to look interested and impressed with my words, because I've begun to notice they look like they want to be anywhere else, even Iraq or Afghanistan, than on the stage behind me.
To my detractors, who claim I don't know anything about the military, let me point out how wrong you are. I know they make great backdrops in their uniforms. I know they must obey orders, even my orders. I know I can silence them if they disagree. And I'm looking for a way to do the same with Veterans. Afterall, the oath they took doesn't have an expiration date, so neither should the UCMJ ban on them talking bad about me. If you don't believe me, ask McKiernan and McChrystal what happens when you fail to mimic my party line. And don't think that having voted for me is enough. McChrystal learned that one.
But let me also take a moment to tell you the real purpose of my speech tonight. As you know, I like to spend money, other people's money. I just learned that 7+ years in Iraq cost taxpayers less than my single "Economic Stimulus" bill, and we just can't afford to spend on such a slow, long term scale. Besides which, the pork project of the Stimulus rewards my supporters and they don't like competing for debt dollars with a people seeking stability and democracy. Spending a thousand dollars a student on an Afghan school doesn't buy me the support of the Teacher's Union. It takes Ten Thousand a student per year to get that kind of support. Let's face it, I don't get a lot of votes from those fighting our wars, even with my apologies. And I'm getting more votes from the planners of the Victory Tower and illegal immigrants, than I am from the Iraqi Interpreters President Bush allowed to come here legally.
For that reason, I've directed Secretary Gates to cut the long term procurement projects that would keep us from having to compete with the military technology of opposing Nations. I would say I have the full support of Rep Frank, but he is actually proposing even greater cuts than I feel politically comfortable proposing. If he can ram them through, I'll sign it, but the fight on the Hill to slash our military further in this time of "contingency operations" is his. For my part, I'll try more subtle means of changing our focus, such as insisting that DoD dollars be spent on stateside construction projects, suicide prevention campaigns far from military bases, green energy initiatives, and adding to the rolls of PTSD paychecks by making all eligible, even psychiatrists serving at Walter Reed. Some people actually still call it a war, but I'm looking for a way to silence them.
I should apologize to President Bush for questioning his integrity, his patriotism, and his decisiveness in deposing Saddam, as well as Charles Taylor, and the Taliban, while dealing with the "Tech Bubble," 9/11, and other issues he inherited from his predecessor, but if I apologize to him, it would be an admission I was wrong and I'd not be able to blame him for the rest of my actions. Sure, I should recognize that his actions caused Libya to give up their WMD program, without a fight, but that's not good for my campaign trail. And I should note that Iran behaved itself for a while, until I started my anti-Iraq rhetoric, because they reasonably thought they might be next, until I gave them hope that partisan politics was more important than National Interests in DC. Though I will claim Bush successes as my own, I will blame him for all the failures until the end of my life, and that is why I remodeled the oval office in time for this speech.
Having worked so hard reading this speech from the teleprompter in front of pictures of my family, it is time for me to take a vacation. As you know, Michelle was not with me for my birthday, but I haven't decided which, if any family members should go on the next one. I was thinking that perhaps it was time to catch up with Medea Benjamin, Blagovich, Rev Wright, and Bill Ayers, but I fear I need keep such things out of the public eye, until after November 2012. I hope they understand.
Author's note: This is the speech I would have written for the POTUS, trying to play on his strengths, the truths, and issues. Perhaps, my speechwriting career ends here, because I failed to take into account that politicians rarely consider truth when speaking. And I will also admit that this steps outside the normal bounds of War On Terror News, but the Iraq Issue and Afghanistan Issue are open wounds when it comes to this Veteran's thoughts on the current office holder. I recognize some will take offense at this, but I put my life on the line to earn the right to freely speak about our politicians.